Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
