if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
