So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
