someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
