Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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