Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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