oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
