Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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