Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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