I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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