Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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