Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
