There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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