Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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