I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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