$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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