When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
handjob tips. give me some.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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