dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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