Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
