Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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