Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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