when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
