shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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