Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
