the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
