dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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