he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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