just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
