I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
