dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
