apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
