So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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