so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
