the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
