If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
