I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
