I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
