My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
