new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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