Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I will die if light touches me.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
