The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
