you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
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