Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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