I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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