to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i will never coherently bang her
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
