Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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