i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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