Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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