took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
