a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
