If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
